Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
