If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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