I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
