I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
