i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
not ubering you a puppy
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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