: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
