whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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