i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
