I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
