first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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