come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
