wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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