It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
