so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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