ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
