I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
