then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
