life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
