Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
