u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
