So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
