My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
