hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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