I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
