she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
