i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize