that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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