Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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