im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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