those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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