Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
