My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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