shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
