There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
