I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
