So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
