I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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