I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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