So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
