So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
