Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
