My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
