He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
