Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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