I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
