Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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