I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
