Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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