You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
