this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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